Chameleon

Sometimes, I feel like a chameleon. I have often noticed, especially in the last several months, that I have the ability to fit in with whoever I wish to, whenever I wish to. I quickly pick up what a person likes and dislikes, what kind of jokes they would appreciate - anything that makes it easy to talk with them in a way in which they will appreciate or enjoy. As a result, my behavior changes, depending on who I am around, though it stays within certain parameters.

I suspect that my somewhat nomadic existence might have helped this tendency of mine to develop. I have had to learn to fit in with entirely different groups of people depending on where we lived at the time. My sense of empathy or compassion is also probably a contributing factor, since I can pick up the moods or feelings of others fairly quickly. The result of all this, though, is that I change frequently between people and between groups - allowing myself to change to whatever "color" they are or like best.

Sometimes, this causes me to wonder who I am really, deep down and without outside influences. I suppose the fair way to analyze this is to observe who I am when I am alone; how do I act or think when I am alone and what kinds of things do I genuinely enjoy without outside influence. I think this blog is somewhat indicative of this true side of me, because each post is always composed of things I have been thinking about or considering. I also only write when I am alone and it is quiet (also, I most frequently write them at night, but I do not think that is entirely relevant to the point). However, even knowing who I truly am does not entirely alter the fact that I often feel like I melt into every environment - like a chameleon.

In one way, this ability is invaluable to me: it allows me to fit in whenever I need to, and to even become fairly invisible when I want to be. Not physically, of course. I do not have the actual talent of a chameleon to fade into the background. I speak entirely metaphorically. If I know how certain groups act and expect others to act, I can follow suit in such a way that allows me to fade into the background as someone who has nothing extraordinary (good or bad) that would attract undesired attention.

Though this may seem like it could only be good, this ability, like everything, has its downsides. The biggest one, in my own opinion, is this feeling that has been getting increasingly stronger of late - the feeling that one day, I will simply disappear. I feel like one day I will entirely cease to be who I am at my core and become just a shadow of that - shifting and changing with every environment. As a result, I have sought to take into account who I really am and not allow certain characteristics to change in any environment - even if that forces me to stand out a little. I have learned to allow myself to act like myself, even when it's easier not to. I have slowly started allowing certain personality traits to seep through; for instance, my coffee addiction, my clothing choices, and most of all, my ethical and moral views. It is highly uncomfortable for me to stand out. I am one who likes to hide, to observe without being observed, to listen without speaking, at least until I am amongst people with whom I have been long acquainted and/or am extremely comfortable with. Otherwise, I use my "chameleon ability" to hide behind, allowing me to speak (so that I don't stand out as a "loner"), but to do so in a manner that allows me to fit in and, thereby, remain largely unnoticed. Now, though, in an effort to prevent losing who I really am at some point, I seek to use my ability only partially - allowing myself to pick up things about others so that I can converse with them in a way in which they appreciate, but also allowing myself to maintain my own personality. It is a fine line that often resembles a tightrope in that it can be, at times, slightly dizzying to maintain a proper balance.