Expressing the Inexpressible

After silence, that which comes nearest to expressing the inexpressible is music.

Living with Dreams in Reality

When we think of "dreamers," we usually think of someone who has their head in the clouds and their mind in an idealized future that will never come to pass. Anne of Green Gables is a classic example. The problem with the people who fit this description is that they never get anywhere in reality, because they are too busy focusing on an idea that may or may not ever be. They cannot focus on the "here and now."

However, there is a difference between being a dreamer and occasionally dreaming. To have dreams is a good thing, especially for those who are the opposite of dreamers - those too grounded in the present to think about future possibilities - people like me.

Dreaming can be frightening, because it is a form of hope. When you dream, you imagine a future that you wish could be - that you hope will be; and whenever you hope, you open yourself to having that hope be crushed at some point or another. So some people give up on dreams entirely. It's easier that way; but just because it's easier does not mean it's better. In fact, it is frequently to the contrary. Alfred Lord Tennyson once said, "Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." This idea can be applied to dreams as well. It is better to allow yourself to dream, on the (perhaps) off-chance that it may come true someday, than to shut yourself off to the idea entirely.

At the same time, it is good to introduce some elements of reality into dreams. To make dreams realistic may sound like an oxymoron, but it is not. There are some dreams that simply will never occur under any truly possible circumstances. To use an extreme example, you can dream all you want that you will be able to fly without wings someday, but it will never come true. That is an impossibility. Thus, dreams should always be tempered with reality. Yet the converse is also true, reality should be tempered with dreams. Live in the present (though not reckless of the future), but allow yourself to hope for something in the future. Don't depend upon it. Don't rest your life on it, but allow it to be a part of your life. Certainly, there is a risk, but I'm starting to think that it's a risk worth taking.

Key Word: Need

"She was fearless. She needed to be."

This quote expresses such a simple truth that so many do not seem to understand. When you need to be something, you somehow find the strength to be whatever that is. When you need to do something, you somehow find the strength to do it. Because, you see, in "need" there is no "but," there is just "do." I learned to be a lot of things - first and foremost, strong - for no deeper reason than because I needed to be. There is no real choice or decision. Situations present themselves and you have to rise to the occasion. It doesn't matter whether you want to or not, or if it's unpleasant. When you need to do something, there are no choices.

Pondering the Stars of Our Lives

My parents just drove all the way up to my college to surprise me with a quick visit. Since they left, I have been considering the events like these that seem to light up life for a time. So much of life is stressful, worrisome, and dark. Yet then there are times like these that seem to shine in the midst of it all. It occurred to me that, in this way, life is akin to the nighttime sky. Across the expanse, it is widely just a great expanse of darkness. Yet on certain nights, the stars light up the sky and sparkle brightly from out of their dark surrounding. Just like the sky, our lives can seem like the great expanse of darkness, but there are always stars - small events that shine and make the whole beautiful in spite of the darkness. In fact, without the darkness, we would not be able to see the stars, nor appreciate their brilliant beauty. It is only in the contrast of dark and light that we are able to appreciate either of them fully.

Additionally, when we see a night sky lit up by a thousand stars, we cannot focus on the darkness; our eyes are instantly drawn to the bright, dancing beauty. This is akin to our lives as we reflect and look back over past years. We see the mistakes, we have regrets, we definitely see all the darkness, but that is not what stands out. We also recall the better times, the laughter, and the small happinesses that are the bright moments of our lives. They may be small, they may be infrequent, but they are the moments that stand out. Also, just as the stars appear tiny from our view, though they are enormous in reality, often, as the years pass by, our memory of the best moments will fade, so that we can no longer recall each detail, but we will still remember the feeling - the brightness, just as we can still see the brightness of the stars even light years away.

Some nights, the stars are veiled and the sky appears to be only dark. We cannot see the bright, we cannot focus on the good - we are overwhelmed by the darkness. But it is in times like these that we must remember that the stars are still there, just as they always are, they are just temporarily veiled. Soon, they will shine out again, appearing even brighter in our minds for having been absent for a time.

She Grew Up

"When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man [grew up], I gave up childish ways."

Looking back, I realize just how far back I have to think to get to a point in my memory when I was clearly a child and acted accordingly. I grew up quickly. The events of my life have been such that I was not long able to remain in that state of innocence and naivete for which children are known. Instead, I became acquainted with the harsh reality of life. I never truly suffered; I was never burned at the stake. I was never destroyed. But I was dragged through the coals enough to bring reality into a sharper focus than is usually acquired at a comparatively young age. So I learned how to cope with this new insight. I became a little "teenage forty-year-old" as I was called on more than one occasion. I matured. I learned to put aside childish things. I grew up. Ever since then, it has been a battle for me to allow myself to, at times, act my age. I developed a distinct distaste for certain things that I considered to be frivolous and empty, and I developed a distaste for those who still enjoyed those activities or pursuits. I was, admittedly, condescending, almost as an adult to a little child, peering down from my state of enlightenment, smiling at the naivete and innocence of youth. The problem is that I am just eighteen now. In the eyes of most, I am still very young. Under normal circumstances, I would still be immersed in the innocence that makes some both beautiful and simple. But then I have to ask myself, what are normal circumstances? Every person is given a life to live and there is a reason, no matter how it appears outwardly, for each event of our lives. Every person has their own particular set of struggles and difficulties that they have to face and conquer in their own way. So who am I to say that I had it any worse than anyone else? Who am I to say that I dealt with my life any better than anyone else did with theirs? I cannot be the judge. It is not my place, and I will not dare to raise myself to that level. Instead, I must make peace with the past, face the present, and plan for the future. Yes, perhaps I grew up faster than the average person. But self-pity, self-satisfaction, or brooding are not the correct responses to such a fact. That was my life. That contributed to making me who I am, for better or for worse. If I don't like who I am, it's my responsibility to change it. If I am content with who I am, it's my responsibility to maintain it and to grow further. Either way, getting stuck in the past will not change or help anything. The past is over; it's already been lived. I can only decide how I will live now, today. I put away childish things long ago, and now it's time to deal with that like an adult and move on.

Living and Bearing

"He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how."

(Friedrich Nietzsche)

Strength through Experience: Facing the Fear

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do."

- Eleanor Roosevelt -

Fighting Back

I do not accept defeat easily. I make note of any obstacle to success, analyze it, evaluating past successes and failures in that area, formulate a strategy, and take action. In any scenario, I do not give up or become despondent for long before I feel my determination arise within me. I get back up each time I fall and keep fighting. I am not always able to fully reach each goal, but I never stop trying.

Classes + Work + Life: Challenge accepted.

Touched Beneath the Skin

I feel...

- comfort in warm colors

- inspiration in a song

- awe in sheer, cold mountains

- hope in each sunrise

- serenity in every sunset

- peace in the nighttime stars

- freedom in the water

- renewal in the rain

- humility in the ocean

- joy in a perfect, blue sky

- love in every genuine smile

- wonder in the beauty of it all

Walking at Sunrise

Give me odorous at sunrise a garden of beautiful flowers where I can walk undisturbed.

- Walt Whitman -

The Costliness of Caring

I feel things too deeply for my own emotional well-being. I'm the type of person who can be impacted by a song so deeply that the feeling will remain with me for days. I'm the type of person who, once attached, never lets go. Too often, this causes me a deeper pain than it ever gave me pleasure. The world is full of things that separate people, whether it be circumstances, other people, or the most tragic: death. A part of me has always thought that it is the goodbyes that were the result of choices that were the most painful, for the self-evident reason that these were the ones that could have been prevented. Even the goodbyes that are necessary are painful. If I could somehow manage to become stoic or apathetic, it would be far less painful for me. Yet this coldness of heart would turn me into someone resembling an ice sculpture - whole and enchanting, but utterly unattached and unapproachable. So the tragic truth is that we must choose to either suffer the pain of caring or suffer the absence of any emotion and attachment whatsoever. There may be personal disputes over which of these is worse. Personally, I have often tried the latter method - to go through life without growing attached or caring. The result is inevitably a emptiness that echoes in the resultant darkness of the mind. So I am left with the only other alternative - to love, to be broken, to heal, and move on, in the hope that one day, I will find someone who I can love without the pain of saying goodbye.

This is my choice, to live with the pain. Being cautious in who I grow attached to, but not closing myself off to it. Time only will tell how this long road will end. Regardless, I can hope that it will mold me into someone greater than I am, the purer for having been refined in fire.

Chameleon

Sometimes, I feel like a chameleon. I have often noticed, especially in the last several months, that I have the ability to fit in with whoever I wish to, whenever I wish to. I quickly pick up what a person likes and dislikes, what kind of jokes they would appreciate - anything that makes it easy to talk with them in a way in which they will appreciate or enjoy. As a result, my behavior changes, depending on who I am around, though it stays within certain parameters.

I suspect that my somewhat nomadic existence might have helped this tendency of mine to develop. I have had to learn to fit in with entirely different groups of people depending on where we lived at the time. My sense of empathy or compassion is also probably a contributing factor, since I can pick up the moods or feelings of others fairly quickly. The result of all this, though, is that I change frequently between people and between groups - allowing myself to change to whatever "color" they are or like best.

Sometimes, this causes me to wonder who I am really, deep down and without outside influences. I suppose the fair way to analyze this is to observe who I am when I am alone; how do I act or think when I am alone and what kinds of things do I genuinely enjoy without outside influence. I think this blog is somewhat indicative of this true side of me, because each post is always composed of things I have been thinking about or considering. I also only write when I am alone and it is quiet (also, I most frequently write them at night, but I do not think that is entirely relevant to the point). However, even knowing who I truly am does not entirely alter the fact that I often feel like I melt into every environment - like a chameleon.

In one way, this ability is invaluable to me: it allows me to fit in whenever I need to, and to even become fairly invisible when I want to be. Not physically, of course. I do not have the actual talent of a chameleon to fade into the background. I speak entirely metaphorically. If I know how certain groups act and expect others to act, I can follow suit in such a way that allows me to fade into the background as someone who has nothing extraordinary (good or bad) that would attract undesired attention.

Though this may seem like it could only be good, this ability, like everything, has its downsides. The biggest one, in my own opinion, is this feeling that has been getting increasingly stronger of late - the feeling that one day, I will simply disappear. I feel like one day I will entirely cease to be who I am at my core and become just a shadow of that - shifting and changing with every environment. As a result, I have sought to take into account who I really am and not allow certain characteristics to change in any environment - even if that forces me to stand out a little. I have learned to allow myself to act like myself, even when it's easier not to. I have slowly started allowing certain personality traits to seep through; for instance, my coffee addiction, my clothing choices, and most of all, my ethical and moral views. It is highly uncomfortable for me to stand out. I am one who likes to hide, to observe without being observed, to listen without speaking, at least until I am amongst people with whom I have been long acquainted and/or am extremely comfortable with. Otherwise, I use my "chameleon ability" to hide behind, allowing me to speak (so that I don't stand out as a "loner"), but to do so in a manner that allows me to fit in and, thereby, remain largely unnoticed. Now, though, in an effort to prevent losing who I really am at some point, I seek to use my ability only partially - allowing myself to pick up things about others so that I can converse with them in a way in which they appreciate, but also allowing myself to maintain my own personality. It is a fine line that often resembles a tightrope in that it can be, at times, slightly dizzying to maintain a proper balance.

Follow the Leader... Cautiously

It is not necessarily a bad thing to be a "follower" (as opposed to a leader), but if you are, you had better be extremely cautious, prudent, and wise in those you choose to follow. Those who you surround yourself with can lead you for good or for evil. Be careful that those you follow after do not lead you down a path that you never intended to take.

Stimulating Learning

One of the best things about college classes, in my opinion, is that they challenge your current or basic understanding of certain ideas, make you think about everything much more thoroughly, and, even if you end up at the same conclusion you had before, your opinion is now based on a much deeper understanding and foundation of reasoning. I find this kind of intellectual challenge and stimulation truly exciting when I have the time and level of serenity to enjoy it.

Passionate Emotions

Beware of passionate emotions: both love and hate. These are extremes whose common intensity makes it relatively easy to switch from one to the other. Also, if you truly dislike someone, you don't want to give them the satisfaction of making you hate them. In hating someone, you are dedicating time, energy, and thought to them. Those who are truly detestable are not worth this kind of response from you. In cases such as these, it is best to give them no reaction and to continue on with your life without allowing them to affect you. Often, to not care actually shows a greater level of disdain than to hate.

Walking Fast

Over the past few years, people frequently mention how quickly I walk on a regular basis. It's undeniable that I do, indeed, walk very quickly, as evidenced by the fact that I often have to walk around both girls and guys alike, because they are walking much too slowly for my own pace. There are many different reasons for this particular fact about me, some of them deeper than others, but I have been thinking about one of those reasons quite a bit lately and, as a result, decided to write about it here.

To put it succinctly: those who walk quickly don't get hurt. Perhaps I mean this more metaphorically than I do actually. In life, it's the people who slow down, chat with others, and make friends that end up getting hurt the most. Those who walk quickly through life - too fast for others to keep up - so that they are left alone, but independent, avoid every instance where bonding could take place or a relationship could grow. If you walk fast, you avoid the pain.

Yet part of me knows that this is not the best way to go through life, even if it is the most painless way. Because by whipping past everyone in life, you will end up whole and independent, but utterly alone. So it becomes a question: is it worth the inevitable pain to slow down, take a chance, and build relationships? I don't always believe I have the answer to this question, though my heart tells me in a quiet voice that the answer is "yes." But when you're hurt and afraid of being crushed, it's so easy to simply let the self-defense mechanisms take control, let the walls go high, and start walking fast again.

Walking fast, I have learned, also gives one the appearance of confidence, self-assurance, and self-sufficiency. It's those who slow down and look around them, unsure and wondering, that become the victims of others. It's the unsure that get trampled. People can't take advantage of you if you don't give them the chance to capitalize on your uncertainty. This may seem harsh and perhaps even arrogant, but it's a way to ascertain protection. Asking for help is one of the most difficult things to do for someone like me. I hate admitting when I'm weak and I need someone else's assistance in any area of life. I'm a survivor and I make it on my own. But I am slowly learning that it is all right to depend on someone else at times. It's okay to ask for help when you need it. I am trying to remember this and to learn it. In the meantime, however, I walk fast.

Work in Progress

I am a work in progress.

Please forgive the occasional appearances of scaffolding.