Cherished Memories

While watching the Harry Potter films, my sister and I often point out which abilities or talents from the films we wish that we had. One thing that I have wished I could do is pick specific memories from my mind and store them, never to fade or diminish with time, as some of the wizards do (particularly in Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince). Then the thought occurred to me, if I had this ability, which memories would I desire to keep? Which memories do I consider valuable enough that I would wish to save them forever? Even knowing that it is impossible to do so in reality, it is an interesting question to consider, because it reveals in a roundabout way which memories you cherish the most or consider to be most important. Think about it. Which memories would you choose?

the Complexity of Life & the Simplicity of Words

Frequently, I become frustrated with the futility of communication and the fact that words lack the power to express thoughts and feelings too deep for words. I have considered and written about this frustration on more than one occasion. Tonight, the subject re-entered my mind once again. This time, though, the thought came in a new way. Life has a complexity that cannot possibly be expressed through words that are shallow and thin. It is as if life has numerous dimensions, while words have only one. It is impossible to fully show all the different dimensions that life has using words that are much more simple. This explains why writing is an art form and a talent. A good writer is more rare than one would think. An envied trait of such a person would be the ability to make his/her reader feel what they desire them to, understanding what they are attempting to communicate. It is interesting that a writer's talent is not analyzed by the attempt, but rather on the rate of success. Because it is so difficult to convey complexity through simplistic words, those who can manipulate them in such a way as to make others feel what they do are rightfully considered to have a true gift. However, even the best writers, even the most elegant story, poem, or verse looks shallow next to the depth of feeling of which humans are capable. This is why it is possible at times for a single look to convey more than a book; a silent plea skips over the use of words and strikes directly to the heart.

Times

I know I need You

I need to love You

I love to see You, but it's been so long

I long to feel You

I feel this need for You

And I need to hear You, is that so wrong?

Now You pull me near You

When we're close, I fear You

Still I'm afraid to tell You, all that I've done

Are You done forgiving?

Oh can You look past my pretending?

Lord, I'm so tired of defending, what I've become

What have I become?

I hear You say,

"My love is over. It's underneath.

It's inside. It's in between.

The times you doubt Me, when you can't feel.

The times that you question, 'Is this for real? '

The times you're broken.

The times that you mend.

The times that you hate Me, and the times that you bend.

Well, My love is over, it's underneath.

It's inside, it's in between.

These times you're healing, and when your heart breaks.

The times that you feel like you're falling from grace.

The times you're hurting.

The times that you heal.

The times you go hungry, and are tempted to steal.

The times of confusion, in chaos and pain.

I'm there in your sorrow, under the weight of your shame.

I'm there through your heartache.

I'm there in the storm.

My love I will keep you, by My pow'r alone.

I don't care where you fall, where you have been.

I'll never forsake you, My love never ends.

It never ends."

- "Times" by Tenth Avenue North

Love is never ugly

"Or stay like this forever...as aggressively unattractive outside as you are inside."

"My dad always said how much people like you is directionally proportional to what you look like."

[quotations taken from "Beastly"]

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

...Love is never ugly.

Surrounded by a culture where we are defined by our appearance and popularity, it is easy to think that substance is rated below style. It is easy to think that if we are less than the perfect super model or the GQ man then we are less lovable than those who are. Often, people mistakenly believe that outward beauty and love are intimately connected. The error of this type of thinking is that love is utterly disconnected from our appearance - it has absolutely nothing to do with it. In fact, I would argue that it is impossible to love a person solely based on what they look like. It is possible to lust after a person for only that reason; it is possible to like being seen with them for that reason. But love is something completely different from either of these emotions and cannot be inspired simply by physical appearance. Love can be bestowed upon any individual no matter their appearance. And, even if they are outwardly considered to be ugly, if you love them, they will appear truly beautiful to your eyes. But this beauty will be based on your love and, as a result, will not fade when time steals away their youthful appearance. It will last as long as your love does, and grow even more evident to you as your love grows stronger. Others may not see it, but you will. And for others whose eyes are open to such things, watching the interactions of two people who love each other, no matter what they look like, is one of the most beautiful things in existence. Love can make anyone beautiful. Love is never ugly.

Getting Past the Fear

"So if you're scared, why do it?"

"Because the things you're scared of are usually the most worthwhile. Just a theory."

a Painful Choice

"If love was a choice, who would choose such exquisite pain?"

The Unseen Backstory

The one advantage to moving frequently is that you have the opportunity to recreate your image and your reputation. Coming to college presented this opportunity to me and it was one I welcomed, in many ways eager to start over. However, I quickly learned that you can't escape your past - it's a part of who you are and it follows you wherever you move. Also, I remembered that who you are right now is the result of your past, not your past itself. In that way, the people you meet now only know half the picture - the part of you that shows itself now. They don't see the "back-story," the path you took to get where you are. These are lessons I have had to learn and remember since coming to college. I especially had to remember that people may not understand why I act in certain ways, why some things are harder for me, or why I am sensitive to certain issues more than others, because they do not know where I've come from. They just see who I am right now. It's easy to misunderstand a person when you just take them at surface-level and don't try to understand everything that turned them into who they are. Though it is impossible to know everything about a person's past, since you weren't there, it is important to consider that there was something more than you can see now.

People think you're strong, but they never saw you when you were weak. People think you're whole, but they never saw you broken. People think you have it easy, but they never saw you when it was hard. People don't always know you. People don't define you.

Pain Taken Out in Anger

I was thinking about the ways through which we often express inward pain, and it occurred to me how often we resort to anger instead of admitting or dealing with the pain. In line with this train of thought, I came across this quotation:

“Anger is just a cowardly extension of sadness. It's a lot easier to be angry at someone than it is to tell them you're hurt.”

- Tom Gates

Model Image...or Not?

Perfect by nature

Icons of self indulgence

Just what we all need

More lies about a world that

Never was and never will be

Have you no shame? Don't you see me?

You know you've got everybody fooled

Look here she comes now

Bow down and stare in wonder

Oh how we love you

No flaws when you're pretending

But now I know she

Never was and never will be

You don't know how you've betrayed me

And somehow you've got everybody fooled

Without the mask, where will you hide?

Can't find yourself lost in your lie

I know the truth now

I know who you are

And I don't love you anymore

It never was and never will be

You don't know how you've betrayed me

And somehow you've got everybody fooled

It never was and never will be

You're not real and you can't save me

Somehow now you're everybody's fool

- "Everybody's Fool" Evanescence

Life's Results

Though I would likely disagree with most of the philosophies he espouses, this quote by Richard Bach is an intriguing one that elicits worthwhile thought:

I gave my life to become the person I am right now. Was it worth it?

Speech vs. Idle Chatter

“Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something.”

- Plato

Solitude in the Midst of the Crowd

"What I must do is all that concerns me, not what people think. This rule, equally arduous in actual and in intellectual life, may serve for the whole distinction between greatness and meanness. It is the harder because you will always find those who think they know what is your duty better than you know it. It is easy in the world to live after the world's opinion; it is easy in solitude to live after our own; but the great man is he who in the midst of the crowd keeps with perfect sweetness the independence of solitude."

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Tears: Weakness or Release

I was reading an article in the New York Times about the scientific explanation of saltiness versus bitterness. The results the author and scientist made after their experimentation expounded on a thought that had already occurred to me tonight. The thought was: "Tears are salty, because you are shedding the bitterness of your heart." Interestingly, the result of the article was that salt suppresses bitterness better than sugar. The conclusion I came to from this was that you can relieve bitterness better through crying than you can by pretending to be sweet when you are truly upset. This is hardly advice to run around crying or venting every emotion on a regular basis. There is a time and place for everything. Meaning there is a time to be strong, and a time to surrender, a time to speak, and a time to listen, a time to share, and a time to keep to yourself. There is a great deal to be said for being able to control one's emotions. Those who constantly give themselves over to anxiety or pain are rarely more than weak. At the same time, cultures have taught us over the decades that tears are always a sign of weakness, while this is simply not the case. Tears are sometimes an appropriate and needed release. Constantly denying that the pain exists will not resolve it. Sometimes tears can be a necessary part of letting go and moving forward. If you do not move on, a common result is that you will become miserable, bitter, or angry. Here again ties in the thought from the article: salt suppresses bitterness better than sugar. Remember, there is a time to be controlled and a time to cry. Even crying, it is relevant to note, should be controlled and not just released in a wild torrent of emotion. Throughout this subject, self-control is key. Self-control in holding one's self together and self-control in letting the tears fall.

Further food for thought on this subject: "People cry, not because they are weak, but because they've been strong for too long."

Endeavoring to Not Be Easy

Dating: the elephant in the room, a four-letter-word in some families, and an undoubtedly highly incorporated tradition in modern American society. People, particularly those mid-twenties and under, are often judged by how often or who they date. Though I hold a much different view of dating than is commonly found, I have been susceptible to the lie that you are only worthy of love and esteem if you have been asked out on a hundred dates and dated the popular guy(s). Over recent years, I have been building my confidence and learning to find my worth outside of this extremely shallow ideal.

Tonight, as I was looking through the pictures of a girl I know, I noticed a pattern develop: picture after picture included her and a different boy in various ranges of proximity to each other. As much as I care for this girl, one word came to my mind and refused to be brushed off, obstinately remaining prominent in my mind and, indeed, only growing stronger as I continued to flip through the pictures. The word? Easy. As this thought became fully developed in my mind, I was struck with a new idea (or rather, an old idea presented in a way that struck me anew). Dating constantly, being in numerous relationships, etc. is not the sign of being more beautiful, special, or worthwhile, but is often merely the sign of being easy - easily available. On the flip side, not dating constantly and instead, waiting for one person is not the sign of being ugly, lacking, or worthless, but rather the sign of being hard. Not hard-hearted or stubborn, but rather hard to win. As I said, this is not entirely a new idea, but it struck me with new force tonight. I want to clarify that there are exceptions to this idea on both sides and that every person will not fit into these categories. Still, it is an idea worth considering.

I am not currently dating, not because I couldn't find someone in any scenario, but rather because I refuse to be won over easily with a smile and a few kind words. The person who wins my heart will have to work for it. If he is not willing to, then he is not worth having. In the meantime, I am not pathetic for not dating just anyone. I am waiting, because I refuse to be easy.

The Color Conundrum

Colors are a fascinating aspect of life when considered in many different lights (sometimes literally). A common question to be found on almost every friendship questionnaire or something of a similar idea is "What is your favorite color?" Interestingly, I have rarely encountered an individual who could not instantly answer with a previously determined, and usually long-held, favorite. I am hardly exempt from my own example, having given "blue" as my favorite color since the age of approximately ten. However, very recently this has begun to change and it seems to me that this change has to do with more than simply a change in color preference, at least in how it is considered on the surface.

About a month after I arrived at college, I became aware of an unexplained and sudden attachment to the color orange. As usual, though, I did not just settle for thinking "Oh, I just like this color now, for absolutely no reason in particular." Instead, I tried to consider why exactly it was that I was suddenly drawn to this color. Finally, I came to the simple, yet slightly deeper reason, that I had begun to really enjoy orange because it was bright and cheerful, but in a richer sense than yellow. The adjustment to college was hard (as it is for almost any teenager, whether they admit it or not) and I felt myself desiring bright and cheerful things to assist my temperament positively - hence, my newfound love of orange.

In the last couple of weeks, I was surprised yet again to find myself inexplicably drawn to the color brown. Since I had fairly recently gone through my thought process considering the color orange, I deduced the probable cause for this new pleasure much quicker. Though my thoughts are not fully formed as of yet, I have come to the conclusion I am presently drawn to the warmth that I see in brown. I have come to consider it a very comforting and rich color. It is also possible that my new love is related to my consistent, deep, abiding love of nature and specifically trees. I have recently been pining for the trees and mountains of Colorado and of all the others states that have become so beloved to me. As I consider it further, this likely had considerable impact on my attraction to brown. The reason I do not allow it to be the sole reason is because I have loved and constantly desired to be around nature for as long as I can remember, yet this attraction to brown is very recent. So there must be another reason that sparked it at this moment in time. It is certainly something to consider further.

I find this thought process surrounding colors to be truly enlightening and fascinating in its own way. Clearly, there is more to it than meets the surface.

Trusting in order to Love

Love means trusting someone with every defect, every character flaw, every annoying trait. It means you give them complete power over you and that you trust them enough not to use it against you. Too many people give this power away far too easily. Don't make this mistake. Be careful who you allow yourself to love; be sure that when you do, that person is worthy of your trust.

Interpreting Relationships

The sure test to find out if a relationship/friendship is beneficial or detrimental for you is to judge whether the other person drags you down or lifts you up. If that person inspires in you a desire to be better than you are - wiser, kinder, more loving, etc. - then it is fairly safe to say that the relationship is a good one. If you find yourself acting in such a way that you would not want to be observed by those you love - if you turn into a lesser person when you are with the person in question, then the relationship is probably not a good one. It is pertinent to clarify that this aforementioned desire to be a better person should not be a feeling of insecurity or worthlessness; those feelings would rather be evidence of an unhealthy relationship. You should be content with who you are, sure of the other's affection for you, but yet be inspired always to be better.

In the past, this idea has served me well in interpreting personal friendships and those relationships of others.

Passion Tempered by Reason

If passion drives you, let reason hold the reins.

- Benjamin Franklin

My Resolution

At this age, it is common to consider the idea of relationships - both friendships and romantic interests - more seriously than perhaps one has done in the past. I have done so myself of late. The main idea I have come to realize with certainty is that I do not want to be the kind of the girl that sits and waits for someone else before she can start living her life. I do not know the future or what it holds for me, so rather than wait for someone else and become indolent, needy, and useless in the process, I am going to live my life. My philosophy in regards to men has become this: If God wants me to be in a relationship or to get married eventually, that is wonderful, but I am not going to waste my time or make mistakes while trying to chase after guys. If someone is interested in me, he is going to have to take the initiative and ask me. I will be friendly, open, and encouraging, but I will not be flirty, pursuing, or desperate. It is the man's place to pursue and the one who is truly interested in me will; if not, it is his loss and I will move forward - not in an arrogant or careless manner, but merely in an independent and confident manner. I am determined to stop waiting for someone else. I am going to become who I want to be; I am going to be confident and live my life. Ideally, someone will see that someday and want to be a part of my life, but if that doesn't happen, I want to be strong enough, confident enough, and content enough to be joyful and comfortable with my life. Each person is only given one life to live and it's too short to spend waiting for someone else who you don't even know will appear. It is also too short to spend grasping at every possibility and person in the process. Be open to the possibility of someone else, but do not be dependent upon it. The point of life is not to be in a relationship; that is an aspect of life and a blessing when it is the case, but it is not a tragedy when it is not the case. The tragedy is the empty life - the life not lived. I do not want to be the type of person whose happiness and contentment depends entirely upon someone else. I need to live my life the way I know that I should and the way I desire to - head held high, shoulders erect, no looking back.

the Confident Ones

"Watch out for the confident ones, the ones with their heads held high and no fear; the strength they convey may just be the walls protecting a broken heart crushed by life."

Dealing with Grief Indirectly

Why do people love sad movies? I've never understood that. I have heard girls on occasion say that they watch _____ when they feel like crying. I've never understood when one would ever feel like crying. Maybe it's just me, but I've never enjoyed crying; it's not a hobby of mine. So I didn't understand in what scenario someone would ever feel like crying. Then just now, I was watching a movie and something occurred to me. Maybe those girls (or just those people) have something going on in their lives which they really need to cry about, but they can't. Whether it's because it hasn't sunk in yet or they are deceiving themselves into thinking it doesn't hurt or for some other reason, they cannot cry about it. So they put in a sad movie and sit and cry over the story. Watching a sad movie in this scenario gives them an outlet, it gives them something else to cry about - something abstract and apart from themselves. It allows them to gain some objectivity about this grief they are feeling, because it allows them to direct it at something besides their own pain. It allows them to finally cry, to relieve (at least partially) the burden of sorrow they are carrying around, for whatever reason.

This may not be the healthiest way to deal with grief, since it is still not facing it head-on and dealing with it, but instead dealing with it very indirectly. It may not be recommendable. But I finally understand it.

One Day Too Late

Tick tock, hear the clock countdown

Wish the minute hand could be rewound

So much to do and so much I need to say

Will tomorrow be too late?

Feel the moment slip into the past

Like sand through an hourglass

In the madness, I guess, I just forget

To do all the things I said

Time passes by, never thought I'd wind up

One step behind, now I've made my mind up

Today, I'm gonna try a little harder

Gonna make every minute last longer

Gonna learn to forgive and forget

'Cause we don't have long, gonna make the most of it

Today, I'm gonna love my enemies

Reach out to somebody who needs me

Make a change, make the world a better place

'Cause tomorrow could be one day too late

One day too late, one day too late

Tick tock, hear my life pass by

I can't erase and I can't rewind

Of all the things I regret the most I do

Wish I'd spent more time with you

Here's my chance for a new beginning

I saved the best for a better ending

In the end I'll make it up to you

You'll see, you'll get the very best of me

Time passes by, never thought I'd wind up

One step behind, now I've made my mind up

Your time is running out

You're never gonna get it back

So make the most of every moment

Stop saving the best for last

Today, I'm gonna try a little harder

Gonna make every minute last longer

Gonna learn to forgive and forget

'Cause we don't have long, gonna make the most of it

Today, I'm gonna love my enemies

Reach out to somebody who needs me

Make a change, make the world a better place

'Cause tomorrow could be one day too late

"One Day Too Late" - Skillet

Letting Go and Moving Forward

The hardest part of moving on is letting go of the past. There are so many phases of life - for some people, there are more than for others. Each phase comes with friends and places that become familiar and beloved. However, to move onto the next phase and meeting new friends and seeing new places, you have to be willing to let go of the old phase. This can be really hard and painful, but it's the only way to move forward. As humans, we were not made to stay in one place, ever unchanging. We are supposed to grow and become better. But growing can be painful; sometimes it even leaves scars, but we're stronger and better for it. So we have to learn to let go and move forward. It's the only way to live the full life we are intended to have. And on the path of life, be sure to appreciate each phase while you're in it - learn and love all you can, but never be too afraid to grow.

Less Like Scars

It's been a hard year

But I'm climbing out of the rubble

These lessons are hard

Healing changes are subtle

But every day it's

Less like tearing, more like building

Less like captive, more like willing

Less like breakdown, more like surrender

Less like haunting, more like remember

And I feel you here

And you're picking up the pieces

Forever faithful

It seemed out of my hands, a bad situation

But you are able

And in your hands the pain and hurt

Look less like scars and more like

Character

Less like a prison, more like my room

It's less like a casket, more like a womb

Less like dying, more like transcending

Less like fear, less like an ending

Just a little while ago

I couldn't feel the power or the hope

I couldn't cope, I couldn't feel a thing

Just a little while back

I was desperate, broken, laid out, hoping

You would come

And I need you

And I want you here

And I feel you

"Less Like Scars" - Sara Groves

Sometimes...

Sometimes the best way to figure out where you're going is to go back to your roots and remember where you came from.

Sometimes the best way to communicate your thoughts is to use someone else's words.

The Problem of Pain

Quotes taken from "The Problem of Pain" by C.S. Lewis:

When Christianity says that God loves man, it means that God loves man: not that He has some "disinterested", because really indifferent, concern for our welfare, but that, in awful and surprising truth, we are the objects of his love. You asked for a loving God: you have one. The great spirit you so lightly invoked, the "lord of terrible aspect", is present: not a senile benevolence that drowsily wishes you to be happy in your own way, nor the cold philanthropy of a conscientious magistrate, nor the care of a host who feels responsible for the comfort of his guests, but the consuming fire Himself, the Love that made the worlds, persistent as the artist's love for his work and despotic as a man's love for a dog, provident and venerable as a father's love for a child, jealous, inexorable, exacting as love between the sexes. (pp. 34-35)

The problem of reconciling human suffering with the existence of a God who loves, is only insoluble so long as we attach a trivial meaning to the word "love", and look on things as if man were the centre of them. Man is not the centre. God does not exist for the sake of man. Man does not exist for his own sake. "Thou hast created all things, and for thy pleasure they are and were created." We were made not primarily that we may love God (though we were made for that too) but that God may love us, that we may become objects in which the divine love may rest "well pleased". (p. 36)

If the immutable heart can be grieved by the puppets of its own making, it is Divine Omnipotence, no other, that has so subjected it, freely, and in a humility that passes understanding. If the world exists not chiefly that we may love God but that God may love us, yet that very fact, on a deeper level, is so for our sakes. If he who in Himself can lack nothing chooses to need us, it is because we need to be needed. Before and behind all the relations of God to man, as we now learn them from Christianity, yawns the abyss of a Divine act of pure giving - the election of man, from nonentity... (p. 39)

A man can no more diminish God's glory by refusing to worship Him than a lunatic can put out the sun by scribbling the word "darkness" on the walls of his cell. But God wills our good, and our good is to love him... (p. 41)

It is not simply that God has arbitrarily made us such that He is our only good. Rather God is the only good of all creatures... but that there ever could be any other good, is an atheistic dream... If we will not learn to eat the only food that the universe grows - the only food that any possible universe ever can grow - then we must starve eternally. (pp. 41-42)

the Message in the Pain

"Pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our consciences, but shouts in our pains. It is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world."

- C.S. Lewis (The Problem of Pain)

Looking past the shadow; listening past the echo

(Original inspiration for this post): Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. - Romans 8:26

It has been often impressed upon me of late how inadequate words are to express the feelings and thoughts of our hearts. Especially when I am having discussions regarding the deeper aspects of life - such as matters of religion, ethics, and the reasons people become the way they are - I feel a strong sense of frustration at my inability to communicate as well as I would wish. It is as if the deeper things of life are of a different language - one that is entirely different from any that humans possess - and when we try to explain those ideas in words that can be understood, so much meaning gets lost in the translation. To me, every word, every phrase, and every sentence said out loud is merely a shadow or an echo of the deeper meaning underneath it. As a result, I have developed a tendency to listen carefully to everything people say, often rehearsing the "scene" in my mind many times later in an effort to pick up the meaning that was left unsaid. This is a dangerous skill to practice, because it is very possible to read too much into any given statement; so it is necessary to be careful to acquire a proper balance - reading more into what is said than what is outwardly apparent, but not reading so much into something that it gains meaning the speaker never intended. I am only interested in what was genuinely communicated beneath the surface, not something that I came up with through a careless observation. When practiced well, there is much that can be gained from applying this skill in daily life. You can learn much about people, things they would never have willingly told you, simply through listening, observing, and contemplating the ways in which they express themselves.

I admit to analyzing a great deal as I watch the people around me - often people I don't even know. When such is the case, it sometimes happens that I will officially "meet" someone weeks after I first saw them and by that time, I will have already picked up something about their general attitude and character. It is for this reason that people have often commented on my "ability to pick up things about people quickly"; this has a great deal to do with the fact that I do not wait to "get to know someone" until I meet them. The moment someone walks into my line of vision or I have even the briefest acquaintance with them, I (rather subconsciously) try to learn about them. It is also true that after enough experience analyzing people, it is not difficult to pick up on certain tendencies and motives that are common to most people. This naturally increases the speed at which I can learn about people, because I already have experience to draw on to help explain what I see.

One interesting thing I have learned is that it is especially helpful to observe people in different settings and amongst different people, because I have found through extensive experience that people tend to act and speak very differently depending on their surroundings. As a result, one can acquire the most thorough understanding of a person by seeing them in many different areas and then combining the observations, resulting in one, fairly complete picture.

Interestingly enough, the quote that comes to mind as I write this post is a conversation between Elizabeth Bennet and Mr. Darcy in Pride and Prejudice:

"May I ask to what these questions tend?" "Merely to the illustration of your character," said she, endeavouring to shake off her gravity. "I am trying to make it out." "And what is your success?" She shook her head. "I do not get on at all. I hear such different accounts of you as puzzle me exceedingly." It is worth mentioning at this point that, for me, the most interesting people to observe and get to know are those who do not do what I commonly expect. I know enough about humanity and have seen enough of human behavior to understand what is common. It is those who go against this mold that more especially pique my curiosity (although all people pique my general curiosity). It is not my intention to infer by this post that I look at people only as a curiosity, much as a scientist observes an experiment. Perhaps it helps to mention that I analyze my own behavior and thoughts as well as everyone else's. Naturally, through the means of evaluation and contemplation, I have learned more about myself than anyone else. Overall, it is my intention in this post just to share general observations regarding how much can be learned about a person by looking closely through various means at what lies beneath the surface. For it is there, I think, that our true personality and character lies.

My Father's Hands

From a Christian perspective, the phrase "my father's hands" becomes a double entendre referring to a biological father and a heavenly Father. In this instance, however, I am speaking of my biological father's hands.

Like most people, I do not have a very large number of memories from my earliest years. One sensation that has remained with me, though, is the feel of my father's hands wrapped around my own. My father was a carpenter before he became a pastor. He also rides and works with motorcycles and motorized vehicles of all kinds. As such, his hands are very rough, wrinkled, and coarse. To me, though, my father's hands communicate love more than possibly any other physical thing I have ever known. I cannot even fully describe why this is the case. The most logical explanation I can give is that I can remember the feel of his hands from the time I was a very small child.

Once, a few years ago, I saw an old picture of my dad - taken before I was born, he was standing outside and holding my older sister's hand (see the photo on the left). I studied my dad's appearance and noted all the physical differences that had naturally taken place over the course of the years. But I remember that, more than anything, I was struck with the appearance of his hands. They looked exactly the same! And I remember thinking, "Those are my father's hands!" It almost felt symbolic to me, connecting the person in that picture - the younger version of my dad that I barely knew - with the father I know and love so well today. It was the one aspect of the picture that seemed completely unchanged.

In my mind, I thought of all the times growing up that I remembered specifically my father's hands: when he held my hand as I was learning to walk, when he tossed me up in the air and caught me again as a little girl, when he disciplined me all through my growing up years, when he hugged me, when we were out walking and he just held my hand because he wanted to. All these memories flooding my mind of my father and of the love and security I felt holding his hands.

I have always loved that my dad's hands are rough. It is a constant reminder of how hard he works, of the active person he is, and of his love of the outdoors. His hands are strong too and I have always loved that reminder of his strength - both physical and moral. He is always there when I need him. I remember that, as a little girl, I would take an instant distrust of a man with soft hands. To me, it meant that that man didn't work hard and was much weaker than my father. When I was a pre-teen, I remember my dad telling me one day to never trust a man with soft hands. I laughed at the time, because I knew that I had already intuitively picked that up. Even as a child, I had learned to compare every man with the best male role model I had - my father.

I love my father who has held me, guided me, and loved me for almost nineteen years! And I love my father's hands that symbolize so much in the mind of this little girl now grown up.

the Responsibilities of Power

Frodo: I cannot do this alone. Galadriel: You are a Ring-bearer, Frodo. To bear a Ring of Power is to be alone.

"With great power, comes great responsibility" - Uncle Ben in Spider Man

"Everyone to whom much was given, of him much will be required, and from him to whom they entrusted much, they will demand the more." - Luke 12:48

Being a friend

Such a profound truth conveyed in such simple terms...

"The most I can do for my friend is simply be his friend." - Henry David Thoreau

Needing Someone

It is a frightening thing to need someone. The moment you need someone (the moment you depend on someone else to ensure your own emotional or physical well-being), that is the moment when you give them power over you - power to break you beyond repair. Because the moment you need someone else, you become insufficient alone, so that if you are left alone, you cannot function. It is, indeed, a frightening thing to need someone.

It is even more frightening, however, to develop a need for someone who you do not fully trust. In this case, not only are you putting yourself at risk of being broken, but you are doing so with little to no reason to believe that such will not happen.

So, be wary who you depend on. Remember, once you allow someone to become essential to your life, you had better be sure they will not leave you. The consequences of recklessness in this area are too painful and destructive to disregard.

the Last Virtues

"Tolerance and apathy are the last virtues of a dying society." - Aristotle ...Do you agree?

Apathy: a Defense Against Pain

Recently, I have been considering the emotion of apathy. It is possibly the only emotion that can best be described as "an absence of emotion." It has occurred to me of late that apathy can have a deceptive appearance. One often thinks of an apathetic person as one who is cold, analytical, disinterested, or uninvolved. While this may be true on the surface, I have found that apathy is often the guise chosen, not by those who do not feel, but rather by those who feel too much. These individuals decide that a lack of feeling is better than having to deal with the onslaught of emotions that can often prove to be exhausting, disturbing, and discouraging. In other words, apathy is most often (and arguably always) a defense mechanism. When one is in the midst of something painful or stressful, especially for an extended period of time, it is understandable that somewhere along the line, they choose to just give up caring entirely. In these cases, apathy is a direct reaction to an overdose of feeling. Rather than trying to handle trials and stress in a moderate and calm manner, some get overburdened with it - worrying and fretting until they are exhausted and worn down. It is often after this cycle is repeated for a certain length of time that people throw their hands up in defeat and say, "I don't even care anymore." How many of us have heard someone say this? How many of us have even said it ourselves? I would be willing to bet that every person, and particularly every student, has heard this and perhaps said it at least once.

It is also probable that apathy is commonly used amongst people who grew up in households in which they or someone in their family experienced regular verbal or physical abuse. Growing up in this type of environment - filled with pain and guilt and turmoil - it is often easiest to become apathetic. In the fog of this emptiness, at least there will be no more pain, no more noise. When one is presented with a choice between a state of numbness and a state of agony, which do you think they will choose?

Apathy, then, is not a rock; it is a shield.

the Power of Words

A friend recently observed that I tend to choose the words I use with care, especially when in the midst of a meaningful conversation the subject of which is beyond daily events or upcoming movies. He was not wrong. Time has taught me the power of words to communicate a pound of meaning in an ounce of words. This skill is learned by studying language and, through such education, learning the complex meanings of all words. When one has such an understanding, they can speak or write using words that convey exactly the meaning they wish to communicate. Often, those without a similar full understanding of language will only be able to understand what is being communicated at the surface level. However, those with a full understanding will be able to read into a simple sentence the vast meaning which it subtly and even slyly conveys.

I do not desire to be misinterpreted as advocating the use of long, abstract, or ambiguous that have no hope of being understood by the intended audience. There is something to be said for simplicity of language, in order to achieve the most clarity. However, these two ideas are not opposed. It is possible to choose simple words which are laden with meaning. This is shown by my earlier statement that those who have only a rudimentary education will see the meaning on the surface. This implies that the words chosen will have a surface meaning that can be understood by any. However, these words should also have a deeper meaning whose full meaning is reserved for those who have a richer understanding of language.

So, next time you read something, particularly something written in previous centuries or by an intellectual, read slowly and try to digest everything that is being communicated. Do not be satisfied with the obvious meaning. You may be surprised at the underlying messages concealed in many texts.

British Hilarity!

"I'm not absolutely certain of my facts, but I rather fancy it's Shakespeare--or, if not, it's some equally brainy lad--who says that it's always just when a chappie is feeling particularly top-hole, and more than usually braced with things in general that Fate sneaks up behind him with a bit of lead piping."

- P.G. Wodehouse

Someone To Be There

So often, we don't need someone who is perfect who will say all the right things at the proper times, or someone incredibly talented...we just need someone who is there - someone who is willing to be there, no matter what or when or how...

Adjectives Beside My Name

I've been thinking a lot lately. Of course, I always think a lot, but it seems to have increased exponentially since I came to college. One thing I have been thinking about is change and how people change throughout their lives to become the people they are. I've been realizing some things about myself too. Then a few days ago, I had to describe myself using several adjectives for a class project. I was surprised at some of the adjectives that I have found describe me - ones I was not aware of until recently. Another thing that I have been thinking about that directly relates to the former realization is how we have the power to be who we want to be and to act in such a way as to become the kind of person we desire. So often I feel trapped by my past and even my present and I feel like that is all I can ever be. Lately, though, I have been realizing that I can change and become the person I want to be. So, to combine these two ideas, I was just thinking - what adjectives do I want to have accurately describe me? What adjectives do I want to be beside my name in that form I fill out in college? Who do I want to be?

More than Conquerors

"...in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord."

- Romans 8:37-39

Who are you?

Every child is asked, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Every person has a plan for their adult years, whether it is to become a prestigious lawyer or to work at McDonald's. Every person has dreams and the answer he/she gave to the aforementioned question becomes the goal they work toward. Suddenly, a young man dies at 20 years old and that question becomes irrelevant. He never had the chance to become something "when he grew up". Suddenly, "what" changes to "who" and the question changes to "Who were you while you lived?"

As a freshman in college, I have had my own goals for the future. I have spent a great deal of time thinking about who I want to be and what I want to do with my life. Then I hear of this young man's death - only two years older than I am - and the questions rise in my mind "What if I only have two more years? What if I never get the chance to grow up?" Suddenly, all those plans for the future do not matter, because there was not time for them to become reality. Suddenly, the only thing that matters is who I am today - right now, because only God knows if I will have any more than that.

When you realize just how uncertain life is, it is very presumptuous to count on the future, because you do not have the power to know how much time you have. The only thing of which you can be certain is that you have this moment, this time, now. You do not know about the next moment, just this one. You do not know about tonight, just today. So what are you going to do now? Who are you going to be today? If you want to do something with your life, if you want to make a difference, do it now! Do not make lofty plans for the future, while wasting the time you have now, because you do not know that you will have anymore than now. What a tragedy it would be if you spent the first twenty years of your life making plans for the future and suddenly, the first twenty years were all you had. Do not act badly towards others now, telling yourself that you can always apologize tomorrow. You do not know that you will be able to talk to them tomorrow. All you know is now, so act in such a way that if you don't have a tomorrow, you will have no regrets for the time you had. Maybe you did not become the prestigious lawyer you wanted to be, because you ran out of time. If you lived each day as if it was the only one you had, you will have lived a full life and made an impact on others, just as much as if you had had twenty years more. That is what counts.

It is time to change the question. Do not ask, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Ask instead "Who are you?" and "Who do you want to be now?"

Yesterday is a wrinkle on your forehead Yesterday is a promise that you've broken Don't close your eyes, don't close your eyes This is your life and today is all you've got now Yeah, and today is all you'll ever have Don't close your eyes This is your life, are you who you want to be? This is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be? When the world was younger and you had everything to lose Yesterday is a kid in the corner Yesterday is dead and over Don't close your eyes This is your life are you who you want to be? This is your life, is it everything you dreamed it would be When the world was younger and you had everything to lose

(Switchfoot - "This is Your Life")

While I'm Waiting...

I'm waiting

I'm waiting on You, Lord

And I am hopeful

I'm waiting on You, Lord

Though it is painful

But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident

Taking every step in obedience

While I'm waiting

I will serve You

While I'm waiting

I will worship

While I'm waiting

I will not faint

I'll be running the race

Even while I wait

I'm waiting

I'm waiting on You, Lord

And I am peaceful

I'm waiting on You, Lord

Though it's not easy

But faithfully, I will wait

Yes, I will wait

I will serve You while I'm waiting

I will worship while I'm waiting

(John Waller)