Growing Up: Reminiscences and Future Plans

I have often concluded that the older I get, the younger I feel.

I always thought turning thirteen was the biggest deal and that I would finally be mature and adult and have it all figured out when I reached that age. When I finally did turn thirteen, however, I found that I felt much the same as twelve and was not at all adult. The same events occurred when I turned sixteen. Now with my approaching eighteenth birthday, I am feeling much the same way. I remember distinctly when my sister (over five years my senior) turned eighteen. I thought she was so old and mature. Now, as I approach that age myself, I feel that I am way too young to be turning such an "old" age. I don't feel that I am nearly as old at this age as my sister was at this age.

Perhaps what I feel even more keenly is not so much turning eighteen as the idea of going to college in the fall. As I have made plans and applied to colleges, I have managed to maintain an abstract point-of-view and to avoid the realization that I will be going to college in a matter of just a few months. Using again my sister as an illustration: I remember distinctly the day she went off to college, waving as the car drove away. I remember how thrilled and even awestruck I felt that I had a sister in college. I can hardly believe it's soon to be my turn. Though I've always known this day would come, it has always been in the distant future - an idea rather than a reality. I have looked forward to this day with such anticipation, yet now that it has almost arrived I find that I am not ready. It's very much like knowing about a trip to Europe since you were old enough to understand the idea, and looking forward to it, and making plans, and yet suddenly, one day you wake up and realize that it's the day of departure and you're not ready and your suitcases are unpacked. I know I have a little while still to get my proverbial and actual suitcases packed, but it still continually catches me unaware. Growing up is a scary thing, I have realized over the years. It's not something to be rushed. It will come soon enough - so soon, in fact, that one day you'll wake up and realize it's happened and you're not ready. I only hope that when that day truly does come for me, I will be ready...or at least not as filled with trepidation as I am now.