Firefly in the Darkness

28 February 2012

Expressing the Inexpressible

After silence, that which comes nearest to expressing the inexpressible is music.

27 February 2012

When we think of "dreamers," we usually think of someone who has their head in the clouds and their mind in an idealized future that will never come to pass. Anne of Green Gables is a classic example. The problem with the people who fit this description is that they never get anywhere in reality, because they are too busy focusing on an idea that may or may not ever be. They cannot focus on the "here and now."

However, there is a difference between being a dreamer and occasionally dreaming. To have dreams is a good thing, especially for those who are the opposite of dreamers - those too grounded in the present to think about future possibilities - people like me.

Dreaming can be frightening, because it is a form of hope. When you dream, you imagine a future that you wish could be - that you hope will be; and whenever you hope, you open yourself to having that hope be crushed at some point or another. So some people give up on dreams entirely. It's easier that way; but just because it's easier does not mean it's better. In fact, it is frequently to the contrary. Alfred Lord Tennyson once said, "Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." This idea can be applied to dreams as well. It is better to allow yourself to dream, on the (perhaps) off-chance that it may come true someday, than to shut yourself off to the idea entirely.

At the same time, it is good to introduce some elements of reality into dreams. To make dreams realistic may sound like an oxymoron, but it is not. There are some dreams that simply will never occur under any truly possible circumstances. To use an extreme example, you can dream all you want that you will be able to fly without wings someday, but it will never come true. That is an impossibility. Thus, dreams should always be tempered with reality. Yet the converse is also true, reality should be tempered with dreams. Live in the present (though not reckless of the future), but allow yourself to hope for something in the future. Don't depend upon it. Don't rest your life on it, but allow it to be a part of your life. Certainly, there is a risk, but I'm starting to think that it's a risk worth taking.

26 February 2012

Key Word: Need

"She was fearless. She needed to be."

This quote expresses such a simple truth that so many do not seem to understand. When you need to be something, you somehow find the strength to be whatever that is. When you need to do something, you somehow find the strength to do it. Because, you see, in "need" there is no "but," there is just "do." I learned to be a lot of things - first and foremost, strong - for no deeper reason than because I needed to be. There is no real choice or decision. Situations present themselves and you have to rise to the occasion. It doesn't matter whether you want to or not, or if it's unpleasant. When you need to do something, there are no choices.

Pondering the Stars of Our Lives

My parents just drove all the way up to my college to surprise me with a quick visit. Since they left, I have been considering the events like these that seem to light up life for a time. So much of life is stressful, worrisome, and dark. Yet then there are times like these that seem to shine in the midst of it all. It occurred to me that, in this way, life is akin to the nighttime sky. Across the expanse, it is widely just a great expanse of darkness. Yet on certain nights, the stars light up the sky and sparkle brightly from out of their dark surrounding. Just like the sky, our lives can seem like the great expanse of darkness, but there are always stars - small events that shine and make the whole beautiful in spite of the darkness. In fact, without the darkness, we would not be able to see the stars, nor appreciate their brilliant beauty. It is only in the contrast of dark and light that we are able to appreciate either of them fully.

Additionally, when we see a night sky lit up by a thousand stars, we cannot focus on the darkness; our eyes are instantly drawn to the bright, dancing beauty. This is akin to our lives as we reflect and look back over past years. We see the mistakes, we have regrets, we definitely see all the darkness, but that is not what stands out. We also recall the better times, the laughter, and the small happinesses that are the bright moments of our lives. They may be small, they may be infrequent, but they are the moments that stand out. Also, just as the stars appear tiny from our view, though they are enormous in reality, often, as the years pass by, our memory of the best moments will fade, so that we can no longer recall each detail, but we will still remember the feeling - the brightness, just as we can still see the brightness of the stars even light years away.

Some nights, the stars are veiled and the sky appears to be only dark. We cannot see the bright, we cannot focus on the good - we are overwhelmed by the darkness. But it is in times like these that we must remember that the stars are still there, just as they always are, they are just temporarily veiled. Soon, they will shine out again, appearing even brighter in our minds for having been absent for a time.

She Grew Up

"When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man [grew up], I gave up childish ways."

Looking back, I realize just how far back I have to think to get to a point in my memory when I was clearly a child and acted accordingly. I grew up quickly. The events of my life have been such that I was not long able to remain in that state of innocence and naivete for which children are known. Instead, I became acquainted with the harsh reality of life. I never truly suffered; I was never burned at the stake. I was never destroyed. But I was dragged through the coals enough to bring reality into a sharper focus than is usually acquired at a comparatively young age. So I learned how to cope with this new insight. I became a little "teenage forty-year-old" as I was called on more than one occasion. I matured. I learned to put aside childish things. I grew up. Ever since then, it has been a battle for me to allow myself to, at times, act my age. I developed a distinct distaste for certain things that I considered to be frivolous and empty, and I developed a distaste for those who still enjoyed those activities or pursuits. I was, admittedly, condescending, almost as an adult to a little child, peering down from my state of enlightenment, smiling at the naivete and innocence of youth. The problem is that I am just eighteen now. In the eyes of most, I am still very young. Under normal circumstances, I would still be immersed in the innocence that makes some both beautiful and simple. But then I have to ask myself, what are normal circumstances? Every person is given a life to live and there is a reason, no matter how it appears outwardly, for each event of our lives. Every person has their own particular set of struggles and difficulties that they have to face and conquer in their own way. So who am I to say that I had it any worse than anyone else? Who am I to say that I dealt with my life any better than anyone else did with theirs? I cannot be the judge. It is not my place, and I will not dare to raise myself to that level. Instead, I must make peace with the past, face the present, and plan for the future. Yes, perhaps I grew up faster than the average person. But self-pity, self-satisfaction, or brooding are not the correct responses to such a fact. That was my life. That contributed to making me who I am, for better or for worse. If I don't like who I am, it's my responsibility to change it. If I am content with who I am, it's my responsibility to maintain it and to grow further. Either way, getting stuck in the past will not change or help anything. The past is over; it's already been lived. I can only decide how I will live now, today. I put away childish things long ago, and now it's time to deal with that like an adult and move on.

25 February 2012

Living and Bearing

"He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how."

(Friedrich Nietzsche)

Strength through Experience: Facing the Fear

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do."

- Eleanor Roosevelt -

23 February 2012

Fighting Back

I do not accept defeat easily. I make note of any obstacle to success, analyze it, evaluating past successes and failures in that area, formulate a strategy, and take action. In any scenario, I do not give up or become despondent for long before I feel my determination arise within me. I get back up each time I fall and keep fighting. I am not always able to fully reach each goal, but I never stop trying.

Classes + Work + Life: Challenge accepted.