Love is not for the Fainthearted

In this culture of divorce, living together outside of marriage, and all forms of casual relationships, I often hear people say that it is impossible to make a long-term commitment to one person. In a Hallmark movie, "Straight from the Heart", one particularly commitment-shy man says, "No one can promise forever and be sure they're going to live up to it!". Far from being the isolated cry of one individual, this is a belief popularly espoused throughout modern culture. There is a root misunderstanding about the nature of love, marriage, and commitment that has caused a culture of brokenness: broken homes, broken hearts, and broken relationships.

Love, as defined by culture, is an emotion...an infatuation which may be on fire one minute and colder than the mountains of Alaska in another. If this is true, if love is truly just a fickle emotion that cannot be controlled or sustained, the common belief of culture (that marriage and promising a commitment to loving one person for a lifetime is impossible and crazy) is correct. However, love is not just a fickle emotion. Love is a decision - a choice that we make no matter the circumstances or the state of the recipient. As revolutionary as such a statement is in America, it is true as defined, discussed, and defended in Scripture. This is one reason why deciding who you will marry is such a "big deal" or important decision. When you agree to marry someone, you are promising to daily make the choice to love and respect that one individual no matter what happens in the future or how you or your spouse change. The latter is a reason I hear often, particularly in Hollywood: "We're just not the same people we were when we got married. We've changed." While this may be and probably is true in the case of those couples who site this reason, it is not a valid one for pursuing a divorce. People change over time, that is just the way humans were created. This is one reason Christians advocate microevolution (note the distinction from macroevolution - the belief advocated in most liberal scientific communities). Small changes, physical and inward, are guaranteed to happen in life. So when you agree to marry someone, you are promising that despite those changes, you are still going to love and support that person. This is not an easy promise to make and should not be taken lightly.

In this culture, people say "I love you" far too casually. I have even heard some people say it to people they obviously detest. In 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 we are given a proper definition for love: "Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." According to this source, love entails a significant amount more than culture would teach us. Every time I read this passage, I am struck with how much I don't love people the way that I should - even people like my family. In fact, it is impossible for humans to love perfectly since every part of us has been tainted by sin after the Fall; as a result, only God can do anything perfectly - including love. Nevertheless, we are instructed to love others by imitating God's love. Ephesians 5:25 instructs, "Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her..." At the beginning of this chapter, the author - Paul - says through the power of the Holy Spirit, "Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children. And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God." Christ's love is a sacrificial love - instead of a bed of roses, His was a wooden cross; instead of a lily-filled wreath, His was a crown of thorns; instead of a beautiful ring, He was pierced with nails. These are not easy footsteps to follow in and if we are to follow after Christ, our love must become something much greater than the "love" that culture advocates. It may even be painful and frustrating in that we may be forced to love someone who does nothing to deserve it and who constantly rejects us. It is in times like these that we must remember that none of us deserves to be loved, yet God does love us - so much so that He went to the cross and died for us, despising the shame.

So, backing up to the original premise, it is possible to promise forever and be sure you will live up to it. Why? Because this promise will not be based on a short-lived infatuation or the desire of the moment, it will be based on a continual choice that you will love this person, no matter what. However, because our human nature will fight against us in this resolve, we must find strength on our knees in prayer. God will hold you firm and help your marriage to blossom rather than wither. A marriage founded in such a firm resolve surrounded by prayer will not easily be shaken, because throughout the bad and the good, sickness and health, your love will not depend on the circumstances and as a result, it will last.

Love is not a place To come and go as we please It's a house we enter in Then commit to never leave So lock the door behind you Throw away the key We'll work it out together Let it bring us to our knees To some, love is a word That they can fall into But when they're falling out Keeping that word is hard to do Love will come to save us If we'll only call He will ask nothing from us But demand we give our all

Chorus: Love is a shelter in a raging storm Love is peace in the middle of a war And if we try to leave, may God send angels to guard the door No, love is not a fight but it's something worth fighting for

*Love is Not a Fight by Warren Barfield*