Hope in Darkness

“The world is indeed full of peril and in it there are many dark places.
But still there is much that is fair. And though in all lands, love is now
mingled with grief, it still grows, perhaps, the greater.” 

- J.R.R. Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings

Indescribable

“Hope is the thing with feathers 
That perches in the soul 
And sings the tune without the words 
And never stops at all.” 

- Emily Dickinson

A New Voice

“For last year's words belong to last year's language 
And next year's words await another voice.” 
- T.S. Eliot, Four Quartets

Defiance

It is possible that the one word that would describe my life of recent years is defiance. Defiance against the low expectations and pain and condemnation that held me chained in defeat for so many years. Defiance against those that told me I was worthless and would never get anywhere in life. Even now, as I write these words, I feel that now-familiar stubbornness rise within me at this judgment. For so long, I let these words defeat me, dragging me down, leaving me hopeless, and killing me slowly. The change did not come suddenly or overnight; rather, it was a long process that was full of those "one step forward, three steps back" times of which life is so full. Even now, I struggle to fight against feelings of defeat, but whenever those feelings return, I remember that defiance and allow it to fill me once again. The defiance that helped me to rise again, to break all the expectations, and to prove them all wrong. The defiance that allowed me to finally live. At times, I hear people around me saying that no one thinks they're good enough or worth anything. Every time I hear this, I am filled with an anger beyond expression - an infuriation at the people who dare crush others in this way, because I know all too well the damage it can do and the pain it inflicts. But I am also filled with the urge to explain to the people who struggle that it doesn't have to be that way. They don't have to live life defeated and weak anymore. Who cares what other people think and say about you? Prove them wrong. Never let them win that victory, because they don't deserve it. Rise above it all and live long enough to show them that you were strong enough to grow beyond them. Learn to soar when they try to make you crawl. No one has to live a defeated life. We all have the choice to get beyond it. Choose it. Accept it. Embrace it. Will we ever do it perfectly? Probably not. But never stop trying. Never surrender. I have learned to live a life of honest defiance against anyone who would try to crush me once again. I've been there. I've lived that way and I will never do it again. Someone says I'm worthless. Fine. Just let them watch me prove them all wrong. I will be strong enough to grow beyond the pain and determined enough to beat all the odds.

Believed

“It should be a privilege to be able to say 'I love you' to someone. It shouldn't be something people say just because they feel like it. A privilege that is earned. They say you have to earn the right to be loved; no, love is unconditional, if you love someone, they don't have to earn it. But. The right to tell someone that you love them? That has to be earned. You have to earn the right to be believed.” 

- C. JoyBell C.

Filling the Pages

An idea recently occurred to me - not a new idea to many, but original to me. The idea is this, that our lives are blank books and each day, we fill the pages in our own. Most probably cannot even recall the earliest pages of their stories, but they are there, now in the form of quiet laughter or tears echoing through the chasm of time. Moving forward, each day is a blank page, separate from the others and yet all part of the same story. As I write my own story - my own book of life - I want it to be an interesting one filled with both the laughter and tears that have made up my life. I do not know yet what genre it will be: tragedy, mystery, humor? Yet I am sure of one thing: that I must be the one filling the pages. For too long I have felt like a minor character in my own life story. It is time for that to change, for me to become an active participant in this fickle, unpredictable thing called life. Though I may be following a story already planned out for me, I do not know what it is, so each day I turn a blank page and start filling. Some things will be scratched out - mistakes are part of life just as they are part of the writing process, but the important thing is that the story progresses. At the end, make sure that you have written on the pages and left a legacy for someone else to read or follow or learn from. Life is a book. Start filling the pages.

Anxious Hope

“Hope
Smiles from the threshold of the year to come, 
Whispering 'it will be happier'...” 

- Alfred Tennyson

Only One Day

Don't give up; it takes a while.
I have seen this look before.
And it's alright;
You're not alone
If you don't love this anymore.
I hear that you've slipped again.
I'm here 'cause I know you'll need a friend.

And you know that accidents can happen
And it's okay, 
We all fall off the wagon sometimes.
It's not your whole life.
It's only one day.
You haven't thrown everything away.

Take some time and learn to breathe
And remember what it means
To feel alive
And to believe
Something more than what you see.
I know there's a price for this,
But some things in life you must resist.

And you know that accidents can happen
And it's okay, 
We all fall off the wagon sometimes.
It's not your whole life.
It's only one day.
You haven't thrown everything away.

So don't give up
It takes a while.

Today

"If time came to an end today,
And we left too many things to say,
If we could turn it back,
What would we want to change?
And now's the time to take a chance.
We gotta make a stand.
What have we got to lose?
The choice is in our hands.

Live like there's no tomorrow
'Cause all we have is here, right now.
Love like it's all that we know -
The only chance that we ever found.
Believe in what we feel inside;
Believe and it will never die.
Don't ever let this life pass us by.
Live like there's no tomorrow.

Feel what it's like to be alive.
Give it all that we've got
And lay it all on the line."

Your Story

I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines
We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins

- Natasha Bedingfield

Feliz Navidad! Bonne Noel!

Merry Christmas to all! I am feeling particularly blessed and happy this year, not because I received more or better gifts than in previous years, but rather because today has given me an opportunity to be truly grateful for the people in my life who are closest to me. There is one person missing this year - one person who did not sit among us this morning as we laughed and opened gifts. My grandmother was taken from us just a few weeks ago and I missed her presence keenly in the gaiety today. There are no words to describe the loss or the amazing person she was and I will not attempt it here. However, our loss also reminded me to look around at the people I still have in my life. I have been so blessed with loving parents, crazy siblings, a wonderful aunt, good friends, and an incredibly special boyfriend. Although those present will never replace those absent, today, I am looking around and appreciating those still here. I am blessed, not so much with material things, but with people whom I love.

Merry Christmas!

Σοφíα

“Let him that would move the world first move himself.”

Socrates

“The unexamined life is not worth living.”

Plato

“Nothing endures but change.”

Heraclitus

“What you leave behind is not what is engraved in stone monuments, but what is woven into the lives of others.”

Pericles

“If you want to improve, be content to be thought foolish and stupid.”

Epictetus

“Courage is the first of human qualities because it is the quality which guarantees the others.”

Aristotle

“The most useful piece of learning for the uses of life is to unlearn what is untrue.”

Antisthenes

“We would often be sorry if our wishes were gratified.”

Aesop

“We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.”

Aristotle

“There is only one way to happiness and that is to cease worrying about things which are beyond the power of our will.”

Epictetus

Standing Broken

"The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places." 

- Ernest Hemingway

Lights

I had a way then losing it all on my own
I had a heart then but the queen has been overthrown
And I'm not sleeping now the dark is too hard to beat
And I'm not keeping up the strength I need to push me

You show the lights that stop me turn to stone
You shine It when I'm alone
And so I tell myself that I'll be strong
And dreaming when they're gone

'Cause they're calling, calling, calling me home
Calling, calling, calling home
You show the lights that stop me turn to stone
You shine It when I'm alone

Home

Noises, I play within my head
Touch my own skin and hope that I'm still breathing
And I think back to when my brother and my sister slept
In an unlocked place the only time I feel safe

You show the lights that stop me turn to stone
You shine it when I'm alone
And so I tell myself that I'll be strong
And dreaming when they're gone

'Cause they're calling, calling, calling me home
Calling, calling, calling home
You show the lights that stop me turn to stone
You shine it when I'm alone

- Ellie Goulding

Look.

Each step we take

We walk with masks

Move, drive

Lost in the world

We see what we were meant to see

Blind, blank

To those next to us

We see what we want

Masks hide the face

Drive our need

We see smiles

No names

Eyes open

Yet we do not see

Our pain is all we see

The masks hide the pain not of us

Blind, blank, drive, move

While survivors walk among us.

Outside of Time

I have been thinking recently about this blog and my use of it over the months since its creation. I never wanted it to be a place for me to talk about the daily events of life or politics or even national tragedies. Rather, I wanted this blog to be a place where I could express my thoughts based on those events, to reflect on life as I know it, and to share the thoughts that inspire me or make me think. It was as I was pondering these things that I noted how interesting it is that not all of our thoughts are necessarily directly tied to the physical things that happen from day to day; these thoughts change (whether greatly or minutely) as often as the events in our lives. However, we also have the ability to think outside these more immediate circumstances. These thoughts are the ones that last throughout time and can be related to by a greater span of people, because the untied thoughts are independent or outside of time. While these thoughts are often prompted by something that has occurred, they are not directly about it, but rather about something greater than that single event. These thoughts are the ones of which I wish to write in this blog - the more important thoughts that are relevant for longer than a week. Not that there is not a place for writing about daily events, but that is never what I wanted this to be. For my own purposes, I desire for this blog to be a reflection of patterns, of independent thoughts - the thoughts outside of time.

Cynicism

Cynic: a man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing

Wonder in the Ordinary

Beauty, warmth, passion, laughter, smiles, calm...
These are what I crave in life. As anyone who knows me can confirm, I am frequently extremely stressed due to my work load and my perfectionist tendencies. Despite, or perhaps as a result of this, I have found that I deeply desire the simple pleasures of life and that feeling of contentment that comes from being at peace with one's circumstances and happy with one's self. In the rare moments when this feeling washes over me, I feel my whole being relax as I smile just for the sake of smiling. I hesitate to call this feeling "happiness," because happiness is such a fickle fellow. Rather, it is contentment - a feeling that does not require a certain set of circumstances, but is one of the few emotions that adapts to any environment, instead of changing its environment to prosper. I have experienced enough of life to understand that happiness comes and goes and, as such, if you are ruled by it, you are likely to be miserable as or more often than you are happy. However, the skill of learning to be content no matter the circumstances can allow you to see the beauty and warmth in life as it appears and to deal with the cold and the pain. I desire contentment rather than happiness. I do not know how the rest of my life is going to be or what events will take place, but I would like to have the grace to face all of them with a spirit of peace and even joy - a joy in the knowledge that, even in a life of tragic beauty, there is pleasure and wonder.

Walking Free

Beautiful Tragedy

"I sing to life and to its tragic beauty, 

to pain and to strife, 

but all that dances through me - the rise and the fall - 

I've lived through it all."

Josh Groban

Hobbies

“My personal hobbies are reading, listening to music, and silence.” 

Edith Sitwell