Rushing Forward and Holding Back

There are officially 13 days left of instruction left in my high school career. A part of me (arguably, the larger part of me) wants to shout and celebrate at this realization. This year has been rough. Actually, all of high school has been rough, and it will be wonderful to be able to move forward - onto something new. However, I am surprised to find that within myself is also a small part that wishes to remain in high school forever, or at least for a while longer. I am starting to make friends at my school, the pace is familiar and - even when it is hard - it is manageable when I call on my past experience to reassure myself that I can handle whatever is thrown at me. Moving forward into college, I have no such "past experience" to rely upon. I am walking in blind, in a manner of speaking. That is nerve-wrecking, though I know I will eventually gain experience. It is also emotionally trying to leave the people and pattern which have become familiar.

In this way I have found myself to be counting the days until school is over and yet I know that a part of me will almost be sorry when it is. I guess this is a part of life, especially at my age - changing, growing, losing, and gaining. I believe the key is to enjoy each day and live each day to the fullest - leaving no room for regrets, yet also looking forward with anticipation and hope, eager for the future but living in the present. So as my high school days come to a close, I hope I will be able to work on fulfilling my own prescription.

No Longer Waiting

Sometimes I think that I spend my whole life preparing for something in the future...thinking "when I finally get through with _____ my life will finally start for real". Sometimes it seems like this part of my life is really insignificant...that I spend it just waiting and preparing for something and not actually doing anything in the meantime. Like this part of my life is almost a waste. Like I won't make a difference until I at least graduate from college and likely get a master's degree and get a job. That's when my life will begin. Until then, I'm just biding my time. And that makes me think "What a waste! What a bore these years are! I can't wait until my life begins!" Then I think about people like my cousin Marie. Marie was killed in a car accident when she was just eleven years old. Some people may look back on her life and think she never got to do anything or make a difference or truly "begin her life". I'm tempted to think that about myself at that age. But I know that can't be right. Deep down, I know that God gives us each day as a gift to use to His glory, not to just try to make pass by as quickly as possible so that we can finally get to that "important" event in the future. That makes me realize that I need to spend less time focusing on future plans and what I will get to do then and focus on now, today. What can I do today that can make a difference? What can I do today to change someone's life...or maybe change mine? I don't want to look back twenty years from now and be forced to realize that I wasted all these years just waiting for something else. I know that if I'm not careful I could spend my whole life waiting. And what if my cousin had done that? What if Marie had just passed each day, waiting for the future...a future she, tragically, never got? But she didn't! She was a blessing to her family, her friends, her church everyday of her life. People still remember her and still talk about what an influence and inspiration she was to them. And she was only eleven years old! If she can do that at eleven years old, surely I can do that at eighteen. I don't want to wait anymore. I want to take each day and do something with it. I want to serve God now! I want to help people now! I want to love others now! I don't have to wait until I graduate from college to make a difference, and frankly, I don't want to. If these years were really as insignificant as most people (including myself) believe them to be, I think God would've just skipped over them and started us out at 21 or maybe 25. But He didn't! He creates each one of us as an infant, then a toddler, than a little girl or boy, than a teenager, and then an adult. I can't believe these years are just a waste of time. These years are meant for something! Who says we can't do something incredible or serve God with everything just because we're young? We can and I hope that I will! Marie figured that out much earlier in life, and I am so glad that she did. God used her in so many lives and I just pray that He will use me in as many or more. Alex and Brett Harris are exactly right in their book "Do Hard Things". As teenagers, we don't have to be kicked to the curb or hid away in the house with our iPods and phones until we're old enough to be mature and act responsibly. We are more than capable of working now. I just hope that I can follow through. We have been so brainwashed by this culture and our own laziness that it has become second-nature to think that we shouldn't step out until a certain age. It's time to break free of those boundaries and make a difference now!

The Messy Bits of Life

"Life is the 'messy bits'" ~ Claire Wyman from Letters to Juliet

This is a comment made by Claire in response to her grandson's remark that it would be nice if her former love had grown from a young man who worked in vineyards to a man that owned them while she got to miss all the "messy bits". Her response made me think (as many do). It's really true. While so often we want to escape the unpleasant bits of life and just have one long, happy life...that isn't real life. That's a fairy tale. Real life involves heartache. Real life involves sweat and tears. It isn't fun all the time, but that's life. And pain builds character; it builds trust in God and humility. If we were to take our life and edit out every unpleasant experience, we would be left with so little. Moreover, if we could skip all the hard work that got us every accomplishment, they would not have near the value that they hold. You don't appreciate something when it's handed to you; it's only when you have to spend something or lose something to gain another when the thing you have gained has value.

So I think Claire is right. Life is the messy bits. And if that man had turned out to be her Lorenzo, I think she would have vastly preferred to be with him every step of his life, all the way through the hardship and pain, than to just pop in at the luxurious end. Speaking as a single woman who has never been married herself, I have observed that most married couples that I know who are close and happy and still in love have endured much together...and that has drawn them closer.

So I recommend that you don't avoid pain and trials! Accept them as experiences that will make you stronger. Take the lessons that the pain brings and grow from them. Don't just run away and hide, for you may be missing something that would have had a tremendous outcome once you got to the other side. You may have become a better person because of it. So don't turn back just because something is hard. Move forward! Nothing worth getting comes easily. If you don't have to work at it, it probably isn't that important to begin with. And if you just take the easy experiences that life hands out and reject the hard, you could be rejecting the greatest gift you would ever receive.

I am not saying pain is easy or fun or that you will rejoice every time it shows its face. I can speak from personal experience to say that it will not be any of the above. What I am saying is that it may be worth it in the end and when you look back on your life years from now, I hope you see your struggles and your pain and see what has resulted. Even if you don't see it now, on this Earth, you will see it in heaven. God is sovereign and He doesn't make mistakes or throw useless experiences into our lives. Every experience counts for something. Pain will mold us as gold is refined in fire. So work your way through the fire - the jewel at the end will be worth it!

Alone Yet Not Alone

Today is my eighteenth birthday.

Today I am an adult, according to national standards.

Today I woke up and felt alone, just as I always do.

Today my parents came in and sang "happy birthday" to me.

Today I checked my facebook and saw 37 birthday greetings!

Today I feel blessed.

Pondering...

"Do not fear death, but rather the un-lived life. You don't have to live forever. You just have to live."

~ Angus Tuck from "Tuck Everlasting"